All of us have experienced difficulty in truly listening to someone else. With such busy lives, we are easily distracted by activity in our minds and around us, so much so that being still and listening becomes difficult. Listening is actually one of the key components to communicating with another, and to really listen and understand, you need to be an empathetic listener. Empathy is the art of understanding, being aware, being sensitive to and really getting another person’s feelings and experiences. With practice, we can improve our empathetic listening skills and therefore deepen our connection in relationship. Empathetic listening is a concentrated effort to ensure that the speaker feels that you are truly comprehending and valuing them without judgement. It is a skill that may not come naturally, but can be improved.
One way to improve as an empathetic listener is to put yourself in the shoes of the other, and even if you haven’t experienced their exact situation, think of one where you may have felt similar feelings and then let yourself go there. As you’re listening, pay attention to more than just the words. Non-verbal communication can provide clues that can be even stronger than the words themselves. Tone of voice, facial expressions and posture are great indicators of what may be going on with the other person. Often, if a person is deeply upset about something they may have difficulty finding the ‘right’ words, partly from the emotional upheaval and partly from a fear of loss, confusion, or personal rejection. If you’re able to tap into this, even if it’s a guess, it provides an opportunity for connection and empathy to begin.
Paraphrasing can be used in empathetic listening, which simply means to reword the thought or statement made by the speaker to see if it was understood or needs to be clarified. For example, if someone is telling you about how they made a mistake in life by marrying too young. You may say something like, “I would imagine it was sometimes difficult getting married at a young age.” Reflecting feelings is also helpful when trying to connect with another. For example, “I know how painful that must have been for you,” when they are telling you about the loss of a parent, and are obviously experiencing pain in talking about it.
The most important reminder is knowing the difference between sympathy and empathy. Our culture often falls to the art of sympathy, which is feeling for the other person, whereas empathy is feeling with the other person. Sympathy can even create disconnection if it is met with a lack of understanding or ‘feeling sorry for’ the other person. A common sympathetic sentiment is “Poor you. I can’t even imagine how you feel’. When a person is hurting emotionally, the last thing they want to feel is alone and isolated. They may want alone time & solace, but to be burdened with the idea that nobody understands the pain they are feeling may spiral them to a deeper disconnect from themselves and others. We are inherently hardwired for connection and a sense of belonging, and the most powerful words that can create connection is ‘me too’.
Empathy is not necessarily something we are taught in schools or at work, or even at home. It’s an acquired skill that is expanded through intuition and compassion, and lead by example. It takes patience and practice. The next time you are faced with a friend or loved one that is struggling with a stressful situation, see how you are able to feel for that person, without the need to fix, give advice, feel sorry for, or compete with how bad they have it. Listen, with your whole being, and see if you are able to find words to feelings that they may be experiencing. Let them experience those feelings and let them know you care. Find a way of saying, “me too”. You may be surprised by the results.
Deb Burnett 